Making and keeping friends as an adult can be difficult. It is not uncommon for relationships to break down. Even television is starting to catch up with this trend as shows like Insecure have recently shown how devastating it can be when friendships fall apart.
The literature on the association between adult friendship and wellbeing is characterized by gaps and limitations that need to be addressed. This study aims to shed more light on this relationship by investigating six friendship variables in a sample of university students.
1. The Right People
Friendships provide social support and reduce stress, and alleviate feelings of loneliness and stress. They can also improve our health by lowering blood pressure and heart rate. And they help us feel a sense of belonging and purpose in life, which may prevent mental illness and ward off depression.
But making and keeping adult friendships can be challenging for many reasons. For starters, our schedules and commitments are often full, leaving little time for socializing. In addition, the voluntary nature of friendships makes them susceptible to life’s whims in ways that more formal relationships, like those with our spouse or children, aren’t. So what makes the difference between friendships that fizzle and those that last?
The answer appears to lie in our efforts to maintain the friendship. Specifically, it comes down to six factors: efforts to keep in touch, mutual maintenance, positive reinforcement, self-validation, and intimacy (Fehr and Harasymchuk, 2018).
In fact, one study found that people who report being happy with their current friendships also reported making an effort to communicate with those friends and maintaining positive feedback from them. This is probably why it’s important to find people who are willing to put in the effort and not expect a lot of return, especially if you want your friendships to last.
So how can you go about finding these kinds of people? Start by looking for common interests. Try joining groups or clubs that align with your hobbies and passions, like a book club or a cycling class. You can also take advantage of the networks you already have by expressing an interest in spending time with coworkers or neighbors. And don’t forget about online communities, which are a great resource for connecting with like-minded individuals.
2. The Right Time
The voluntary nature of friendships makes them susceptible to life’s whims in ways other relationships aren’t. Adult friendships can be disrupted by moving, jobs, or children. It can also be difficult to find the right time to invest in a new relationship, especially when you’re busy with work or family.
And it takes a lot of time to build a deep, meaningful friendship. Research shows it takes 50 hours to form a casual connection, 90 hours to become real friends, and 200 hours to consider someone your close friend. Those are big numbers to ask of busy adults, especially when they’re already juggling work, family, and other commitments.
When you do find the right time to commit to a new friendship, it’s important to give it your full attention and not let other things pull you away. This is especially true of a close, supportive relationship that provides you with emotional support, helps you overcome challenges, and offers honest feedback.
One study found that people who receive a high level of emotional support from their friends have better wellbeing than those who do not. Similarly, when friends provide honest and respectful feedback, it can be a source of self-validation and a sense of belonging (Fehr and Harasymchuk, 2018).
However, the existing literature is inconsistent and characterized by gaps and limitations that need to be addressed. Moreover, most studies are conducted with university student samples, which limits the generalizability of the results. This systematic review aims to fill the gaps in knowledge about the association between adult friendship and wellbeing. It does this by reviewing 38 studies that investigate the link between friendship quality and wellbeing using a multidimensional scope and the PERMA theory.
3. The Right Place
It’s no secret that making friends as an adult can feel a lot more difficult than it did in childhood. Many adults struggle with feeling like they’re missing out on social opportunities, and they often find themselves in situations where they meet new people but never make the connection that can lead to a deeper friendship.
In fact, a recent study found that only 49% of Americans have three or more close friends, and many report having “situational” friendships where they spend time with people at work or school but never take those relationships any further. That’s why it’s important to be proactive about putting yourself in environments where you’re more likely to meet other people and potentially form the kind of deep connections that can last a lifetime.
One of the best places to start is by joining activities that align with your interests, such as a book club, sports team, or community group. These are great places to meet people who share similar interests, and they’ll also provide you with common ground for conversation. And don’t be afraid to reach out to acquaintances you have in your life, such as coworkers or neighbors, and ask if they’d be interested in getting together for coffee or drinks.
Another place where you can look for potential friendships is at your local community center or library, where they’ll often offer educational classes in things such as cooking, art, photography, or languages. These classes can be a wonderful way to meet other people who share your passions, and they can also serve as an excellent way to get to know people before you invite them to hang out.
4. The Right Mood
For some, finding friends in adulthood can be a challenge. While everyone needs a longterm partner to rely on, there is something about having a circle of friends who know all the dirt from your college years, stand beside you at your wedding, help you raise kids, and even attend your spouse’s funeral that makes life feel fuller.
Despite the challenges, adults can cultivate friendships that last. In fact, research has shown that healthy relationships can make a huge difference in wellbeing (Cable et al., 2012). To be the best friend you can be, you need to create an environment that allows for a deep and meaningful connection.
One way to do this is by putting in the effort. Be attentive and engage in conversation, avoid distractions such as your phone, and remember the little things. A simple act of kindness like making time to listen, giving a compliment, or wishing your friend happy birthday can go a long way in strengthening your bond.
It’s also important to be willing to let a friendship go when the need arises. If your friend is going through a tough time, like depression or a new job, they may need to focus their energy on other areas of their lives for awhile. Try not to get angry or upset if they take a break from your friendship, but rather see this as an opportunity for them to heal and recharge.
There are six key factors that contribute to the longevity of adult friendships. These include: efforts to maintain the relationship, friendship quality, a sense of personal uniqueness, perceived mattering, satisfaction of basic psychological needs, and subjective vitality.
5. The Right Energy
A big part of what makes adult friendships last is the right energy. This means putting in time and effort for your friends, and being open to the fact that sometimes things will go awry.
This may mean being willing to accept that your friend needs space, and even if it feels hard to give that space, it’s important to do so. Another part of the right energy is focusing on what you have to offer your friends—this could mean simply listening attentively, or it could mean being able to provide support and encouragement when needed.
As adults, we are often busy with our families, and it is easy to fall out of the habit of building relationships outside the family circle. But making the time to nurture your friendships is a way of being healthy for both yourself and your children.
Having a good network of relationships is also critical for fighting loneliness and social isolation. It is also a great way to help alleviate stress, something that is linked with heart disease.
In fact, having a strong relationship with a friend can actually add years to your life. Especially since the COVID-19 pandemic, it’s more important than ever to build meaningful social connections.
The research literature examining the associations between adult friendship and wellbeing is currently growing, but it remains characterized by gaps and limitations. For example, most studies only focus on a single measure of wellbeing and do not employ longitudinal designs. Furthermore, many studies rely on university student samples, which limits generalizability. Finally, few studies attempt to mediate or moderate the association between friendship variables and wellbeing. However, six factors do appear to mediate the relationship between friendship and wellbeing: efforts to maintain the friendship, friendship quality, personal sense of uniqueness, perceived mattering, and satisfaction with basic psychological needs.
